Please Don’t Applaud Me for Being a Single Mom

Please don’t applaud me for being a single mom.

That may seem a bit strident, but really, please don’t.

I am a mother just like you.

It may seem amazing that someone can parent without a partner, but I don’t think it’s always about whether or not you have a partner at home.

It’s about whether or not you’re doing this alone.

And I, as a single parent, have chosen not to parent alone. I thank the world around me that I don’t need to, that I have access to community and resources that allow me to parent with support. Not everyone does.

It may have taken a little while, but we’ve adapted and established routines to make our single parent home work, just as other families do. When we have a hard day, I have people to go to. When we have a good day, I have people to celebrate and appreciate it with me. When I worry, face illness, and try to carry the enormous weight of loving my child all by myself, I know who to go to. They give me just enough space to face the reality of being a single mom, but are close enough to make this a positive experience for us.

I remember fearing that no one other than me would be there to welcome my son into the world when he was born. In the end, our midwife exclaimed that she’d never seen a child welcomed with a greater outpour of love than the love that came from pretty much my entire family being in that delivery room. (No, that wasn’t planned, but hearing that comment in the end made it pretty worth it).

Sometimes the hardest part of being a single parent is learning to accept support. It didn’t take long for me to realize in order to be everything my son needs me to be, I can’t try to do it all by myself. I’ve been forced to set my pride aside and admit this isn’t a one-person job.

Which means I had to make the choice to allow others in. And I had to look for help on my own. It wasn’t easy at first. 

In fact, it meant moving home at the age of 29, changing jobs, putting graduate school on hold, learning to unashamedly hold a WIC folder in the grocery store line, and not feel embarrassed of my child’s government issued health insurance, among quite a few other humbling decisions. But as I quickly learned, parenting isn’t about my ego. I could get over it because every bit helped me be a better mom.

Yes, yes. Single parenting is hard. Harder than I imagined. Sometimes terrifying. I don’t intend to downplay the struggle many single parents face. But it’s not always a struggle. And for many married moms it’s just as hard.

Like many things in life, I think we can all agree that parenting isn’t meant to be done alone.

But there’s more to it.

You know those single parents that you know of? You know how you think of them when your partner is out of town? You wonder how they can do it alone all the time. You commend them for doing such a tremendously difficult job alone. Well, I don’t think it’s about us being single. In fact, I’d rather not be applauded. In all honesty, I’d rather be seen for what I really am. I am a mom, just like you. Yes, just like you. I love that I am a mom. I even enjoy parenting. But please don’t assume that being single automatically puts our family at a disadvantage.

Because the majority of the time, I don’t parent alone.

Single parents know how to be resourceful and accept help. 

And the truth is, it’s not only single parents that face this reality. And there are a million reasons why.

Widowed too young.

A partner is deployed.

A spouse leaves.

Shelter is sought.

Distance is created.

A job interferes.

Poverty interferes.

Reality sets in.

Mundanity sets in.

Mental illness takes over.

Someone takes a night shift.

Cancer hits.

Another business trip.

Whatever it is, single, married, deployed, poor, bored, sad, away, missing the company of the one you love, the parent of your children…whatever it is that interferes and isolates you, we all find ourselves feeling lonely sometimes. Even if it’s just a season. It even happens to the woman with a supportive partner.

Alone is not for mothers. Other than when we try to find peace in the bathroom. Or a moment to eat chocolate without hiding our faces in the pantry. Or time to care for ourselves. Or to go to work. Or whatever moment of peace you seek with those darling little people intertwined in every detail of our lives.

But alone is not for when we give birth, or care for our child, or love our child, or grieve a child.

As a single mom, so many moments can easily be experienced alone. And sometimes that is actually pretty great, and other times it’s not. To love a child in such a deep way alone. Nah. We aren’t meant to do that. To worry, wonder, question how to do something? Experience guilt? Absolutely, no thank you.

This Mother’s Day I found myself struggling in the morning as I rose early to settle my little one into the day and prepare for all that lie ahead. All was well at first, but then I had a sneaky little vision of other mothers waking up to pancakes with syrup hearts and coffee served on trays, homemade gifts wrapped up and placed on the bed stand by eager little hands. (Of course this can only be organized by the other grown up in the house.) Tiny fists filled with dandelion bouquets. I almost got sucked into the trap. The trap that says I am alone. That no one cares. That no one wants to bring me homemade cards and orange juice and coffee in bed.

Then we eventually made it out the door, and faced the world in front of us.

And oh my goodness. It was beautiful. And filled with love and family and friends and loved ones. Our day was surrounded and wrapped up in the glorious people we have in our lives.

And you know what? It didn’t matter that I had to make my own coffee that morning, or that I awoke to a toddler’s butt in my face rather than gifts wrapped in sparkling tissue.

I spent my day surrounded in love and all that goodness swept me off my feet. There’s nothing better than a homemade card from my son saying I am “really good at cooking meat.” Especially when I absolutely know I’m not.

And most importantly, I got a reminder of the love that surrounds my sweet little one everyday of his life. Family, friends, church community, neighbors, strangers in the line at the grocery store…the last four years have been spent learning to open my arms to their love, so my child can experience a life as full as the goodness around him.

And that, my friends, doesn’t have anything to do with being a single parent or not. In fact, I’m grateful I’ve been in a situation that has forced me to take a better look at what raising a child in a village really means. Being a single parent is mostly about knowing better than to think we can do this alone. I see a lot of married women being tricked into thinking they should have this all taken care of on their own because of their relationship status.

So, please dear kind-hearted friend, don’t applaud me for being a single mom, for we all find ourselves alone in this at some point.

But we aren’t meant to be.

Look to your right, and look to your left for a friend, for support. Look in the yellow pages, if you still own a phone book. Look down the street, look across your cubicle. Look at the house you grew up in. Look at the county WIC office if you need to. Join a class. Look for a place to volunteer. Join a support group. Find a counselor. Find an old friend. Join an ECFE class. Look for possibilities. Mend a relationship. Get creative. Because even the littlest bit of help is deserved. Do it so you can be the parent you were made to be, but by all means…

…you don’t need to do this alone.

Parenting alone, married or not, can be scary and it’s not always so easy for us to find support in this. If you aren’t sure where to find support in your community, please feel free to reach out and I’d be happy to help you find a way to be more connected.