Photo Credit: Gina Zeidler
Oh the toddler years. They are so full of absolutely hysterical comments, actions, playing and laughing. And also moments of absolute meltdown that rival that of the apocalypse. All you can do is hold on (to your wine) and wait for the world to, in fact, not end.
- A diaper has to be changed. On the changing table. AND THE WORLD IS ENDING! Your toddler would rather spend the next three days in an oozy, stinky, mushy, leaky diaper than spend the less-than-60-seconds it would take you to actually change it on the changing table.
- She isn’t allowed to help empty the breakable dishes from the dishwasher. And opts not to help with the non-breakable dishes. Because you can’t win.
- “I need water right now. Get this water out of my face right now. How dare you offer me the water I demanded only moments ago?” How dare I is right.
- He has to get in his carseat. Ever. The arched back. The desperate holding on to the handle by the window. The shrieking as if a true monster is occupying the space where he should be in his carseat. This one’s non-negotiable, tiny human, and it’s gonna keep happening for years. Get used to it. Or don’t and make us both miserable.
- He points and says please to have you help him reach something. You excitedly hand him said object only to have it thrown across the room and your face slapped harder than you thought possible by chubby little fingers. Wrong object, got it.
- You dare to put the book down you’ve already read five times in a row. Six is the magic number when you are allowed to move on to the next book. At least you have it memorized and can lay your head back with your eyes closed while you read it. AGAIN.
- Seeking independence is great. When that comes in the form of needing to put on her own socks, just try to sit back and wait. If you try to help, you risk physical retaliation. Just keep waiting, she’ll cave eventually and hand that sock over to you. She won’t let you put it on, but at least you’ll be able to move past this.
- Mine! Mine! M.I.N.E. MINE MINE MINE! (Take a deep yoga breath small one, it’s actually in your hand already.)
- When you try to pry him off your body because he insists on being in your arms while you’re making dinner only to have that amazingly strong little dude lift his legs parallel to the floor and swing from your neck, making it completely impossible for you to actually set him down. His disappointment (in you) is real.
- She is told no. And you stay strong. Flailing, writhing, stomping, kicking – a bonafide tantrum. You calmly walk away until she burns herself out, like she’s been dry tinder waiting to burst into flame when you cross her. And cross her you did.
And, the world is officially over for your toddler. Especially if any of these dare to happen in the same day. Let alone the same hour. Save us all!
