We made a big decision recently to add another little person to our family. I am a Google maniac and started to look up what people actually need to do to properly have a baby, beyond the birds and bees kinda stuff. I fell upon basal body temperatures and decided this was the most scientific and natural way I was going to figure out what was going on inside.
Waking up every morning, at relatively the same time, to take a temperature seems like a pretty big task in the minds of those trying to conceive, and especially to those not trying! Despite this, I often wondered how hard I was even wanting to try? I continued with my morning temperatures and compared charts with my best friend who was also trying to get pregnant after suffering a miscarriage months prior. Together, we learned a foreign fertility lingo, tips and tricks sworn by some women that’ll help one get pregnant. We had added a little bond between the two of us that seemed as if we were both on the same page. We want babies! But were we on the same page?
During a discussion with my friend I found myself saying, “If it doesn’t happen, I’ll be just fine. I’m good with one kid.” Puzzled and maybe more annoyed, she responded with, “So you’re doing all this trying for nothing?” Guilty until proven innocent? Guilty your honor, I’m guilty!
If you would, excuse me while I stand up tall, raise my left hand with my right hand strategically placed on my very bloated, 4-month pregnant belly and shout, “Hi, my name is Leah and I do not like being pregnant!” I have some feelings for you pregnancy, let me explain why:
Pregnancy Is Hard. Reluctantly, infertility feels a little too common now days. When you and the women surrounding you are all at the ripe age to grow a family, how many times do you hear that word in a week? It hurts my heart just as much as the girl standing next to me, whether she’s able to bare children or not. I don’t know, but I’ve seen infertility personally, I get where some women come from when everyone seems to be happy and pregnant, miserable and pregnant or all of the sudden you have 15 baby shower invitations hanging on your fridge. You.just.don’t.want.to.go. Nonetheless, because of my heart tightly wrapped around infertility, I’ve always been very careful with whom I speak those words to as I fully pose no offense or damage in my thoughts.
Pregnancy Is Still Hard. Turns out, my cycle and temperature patterns work on-point. Here I stand, pregnant with my second child. All that trying for something I didn’t want? No, that’s not the case. I can’t wait to wrap my arms around a new bundle. Did I take one or maybe two down the road for the team? Hey, maybe! Yet until now, finally I don’t feel quiet, ashamed or guilty about these ugly feelings I have towards pregnancy. I’ve been told to be thankful I am able to get pregnant, and I am. Or, I shouldn’t speak negatively about pregnancy because it’s beautiful and makes a woman glow, but I am not glowing. My face is breaking out, my stretchy clothes don’t stretch in the right places, I’m tired and my hair is a tragic mess. I’ve lost that physical and mental balance. I try hard to work it out and tell myself I’m going to embrace it and feel good this time, but my mind and pregnancy are not what we’d call friends? Sure, they are quite cordial with each other but that’s about the extent of it.
Coming from a girl who seems to get pregnant at the count of 1, 2, 3, pregnancy is still hard. I’ve felt like I’m often spitting shards of glass when pregnancy is spoken of to friends consecutively trying and yearning for a baby. Rather than locking this up, I figure I might as well own up to it and let it out. I realize now it’s okay to not enjoy the feeling of drowning for months in hormones, the growing belly (and love handles, boobs, backside), intense indigestion, fatigue and the constant, sometimes fearful, reminder that you are creating an actual human being. I think I can, I know I can, I think I can… It’s okay.
It’s also okay my husband grew up with 2 siblings, all three close in age, so ideally this is how he sees our family as being complete. He poses a glamorous way with our son and children in general… They cling to him and this is when you will find him to be most gentle in his actions, his voice and his demeanor. He loves me hard, but I feel a little extra sense of appreciation, helpfulness and tenderness towards his wife when I am pregnant and this helps tremendously. As off balance as I feel, he and pregnancy put me in check with what I don’t like and what I love.
I love being called “Mama” 346 times a day. I love eating pizza and donuts, but I don’t like being pregnant…it’s hard. I love hearing my 5 year old gush about his new baby and how I can’t buy green/yellow baby clothes, because those are Packer colors. I love my husband and the father he is. I love his wonderment and curiosity as he reads to me each week, while we learn new fetal developments. I love that he craves more and silently reminds me these months are oh-so-worth-it. I just really don’t like being pregnant… There! I said it. I feel better now.
