I just got off the phone with the nurse coordinating my scheduled C-section, which will happen at 39 weeks on the dot, and couldn’t be more excited. What!? Excited? Are you even allowed to say that about a C-section? Well, I am. Yes, you get to be excited and no one should tell you otherwise, because that C-section means your BABY is coming and if you’re not allowed to be excited about that, then something is wrong with the world.
When it comes to birth, pregnancy and parenting in general, people have LOADS of opinions, don’t they? And most don’t seem to feel even the tiniest bit of trepidation in telling you aaaallll about those opinions. Tell me you haven’t heard a long diatribe about at least one of your friends or colleagues on their opinions about birth and I’ll give you a medal – I don’t know how you’ve avoided it!
I’m planning my fifth delivery experience, and yes, I have scheduled a C-section, and yes, you better believe I am crazy excited about it. I have my reasons and I’ll tell you about them, but should I have to? I’m not dumb enough that I’m not also a bit nervous – it is major surgery after all, but more excited than anything else.
When I was pregnant with my second daughter, I met a few friends for breakfast and when the topic of her birth came up, I suddenly felt overwhelmed and outnumbered. You see, I mentioned that I had multiple options available to me and yes, I was leaning towards a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), but I was also considering simply scheduling her birth. After all, I knew what a C-Section entailed, I’d had an amazing experience and fairly easy recovery, so why not add it to the list of options. That statement started a conversation that made me feel trapped and want to leave immediately. I was given statistics, reasons why one of my choices was a bad one and felt completely on the defensive the entire meal.
When you hear someone tell you they’ve schedule a C-Section, do you automatically assume they’ve made a poor choice, or do you assume they know what’s best for their family and their baby? Do you feel the need to pound them with information, or do you tell them congratulations because they’re looking forward to meeting their little one?
I could tell you I’ve scheduled this C-Section because I’ve already had two and I’m not interested in trying for a VBAC this time, not to mention that VBA2C (a VBAC after two cesareans) is not often allowed for safety reasons.
I could tell you that my oldest daughter was 11 lbs, my hips did not move as they’re supposed to one bit, and after 24+ hours of laboring and more, my baby’s heartbeat was dropping and she hadn’t moved even a moving a millimeter, so without a C-section, we’d likely both have died.
I could tell you that I’ve had two amazing recoveries from my previous C-Sections.
I could tell you that, well, after not birthing any large babies, everything is still the same as it always has been down there. I’ve heard about episiotomies and more and I have no problem with all of that not being a part of my experience. Some women are made to feel they need to birth a child in some misguided attempt to “prove” they are a mother and a woman – I already know I am both.
I could tell you that my two C-Sections brought me my two beautiful girls and my two vaginal “births” were those when I delivered my stillborn babies, so the idea of experiencing another “natural” birth makes me hyperventilate a little bit.
I could tell you that while pregnant my blood platelet count drops dramatically, and during one of my “natural” deliveries, I nearly bled out and ended up need a large blood transfusion, so I sometimes wonder if C-Sections actually save my life.
I could tell you that I chose to schedule at 39 weeks rather than 40 or 41 weeks because the other date I was offered is the same day that I delivered a quiet baby two years ago and I’d love to give this baby his very own, very happy day.
I could tell you all of these things when we’re in casual conversation about when my baby will arrive, but should I have to? Should any mother have to explain why she’s chosen a certain path for her birth to any other mother? I’ll be honest, it baffles me as to why others’ choices regarding the birth of their babies have become so important to some people. Maybe we all need to worry less about the how and worry more about the who – a beautiful, sweet baby you get to leave the hospital with.
I view babies and birth like marriage and weddings. Brides-to-be often tend to think so much about the wedding that they forget the most important part is the marriage. Perhaps we could stop this one little part of the so-called “Mommy Wars” if we all stopped to remember that while the birth is an important and beautiful part of the process, the baby and the parenting that follows birth is the more important part.
Maybe you didn’t have the birth experience you were hoping for – maybe you didn’t go through a birth experience at all and your baby grew in your heart. It’s okay to be disappointed, and especially if your heart was set on a certain type of path to motherhood, maybe you need a little time to grieve that. My only wish for you is that you remember who now lives in your home and what comes next. After all, no matter how you label your birth, the end result is the same – you’ve left the hospital with your sweet baby. And isn’t that all that really matters?
**I am not a medical professional and am not suggesting a C-Section is the path for your birth – you should always consult with your trusted care team about matters such as this. These are my own, very personal reasons and I assume they apply only to me, and everyone has their own reasons for their choices. Whatever path takes you to your baby, I celebrate you and your little one and hope we can all do the same for each other.
12 comments
Beth,
So well said, thank you. I’ve had an emergency c-section and then a planned one. The planned one was one of the best choices I’ve ever made based on “my” circumstances. Soon you will be celebrating…so much joy!
~Sarah
Beth, this is a beautiful post! Thank you for for your honesty. I used to be in the judgment camp when it came to scheduled C-sections. I hate to admit that 🙁 I’ve learned that I was there merely because I didn’t understand the vast array of reasons one can come to this decision. I think choosing a Cesarean is sometimes portrayed as a conveient and easy way to deliver, but I’ve learned that is very rarely the reason for choosing this birth method. After becoming a mom I’ve learned that moms and their families choose what’s best for them and that should do be all that matters! I wish the best to you, your sweet boy and your lovely family. I love the photos of your girls on Instagram! Thanks again for being so honest!
Beth, thank you for bringing this up. I had 4 c-sections. 3 planned, the 1st not. I labored, labored, labored…and no real movement with my first. So c-section it was. I asked my friend/ob how she thought the 2nd one should go being they were 18 months apart and she said if I wanted more than 2 babies, then the safest bet in her opinion was to do another c-section. I didn’t really question her advice very much. 3rd one scheduled c-section. On my 4th baby, who was very small (4lb 15oz) and we knew this the entire pregnancy, I wondered if I could have delivered her naturally….it crossed my mind a lot I have to say. I wondered if I was “missing” something when I did that final push that would let her enter the world vs being not “all there” as they removed her from my uterus. I know all that matters is that she is healthy and I would never have risked rupturing my uterus by pushing after 3 c-sections already. I would much rather take the safe route and make sure I will be there (pending no complications) after my baby was born. We should all support one another as we know all we really want for one another is happy, healthy babies! And between us and our Dr, we will figure that out!
I’ve had two cesareans as well, and have done a ton of research on the pros/cons of vbac vs repeat CS, including talking to several providers. In the end, for me, the choice is basically equal. Both are reasonable, safe options for most women. I’m sorry you felt judged, because that is totally unacceptable. But it is disappointing that you turn around and judge those who decide that they would like to have a vbac/vba2c. If we have a third child, I intend to try for a vba2c. We have many providers in the Twin Cities that support vba2c as a safe, healthy option. I lost a pregnancy a couple of months ago, but when I first found out about the pregnancy, I had at least four providers on my list to interview that are well known as being vba2c supportive, within 20 minutes of me. So I would definitely quibble with the asseration that vba2c is somehow less safe than a RCS. Both options have risks and benefits. A repeat CS was clearly the right choice for you, and this could have been such a lovely post about the options available, and the thoughtful choices we make as mothers in this situation. Instead, I feel like you attempted to justify (which you don’t have to do) your choice by disparaging others who are making a different, but equally valid choice.
Jill,
I’m glad you are going to try for a VBA2C, and so sorry you read judgement, as that was not my intention. Often the reasons that those are not allowed IS for safety, but I believe it’s all based on individual cases, and for me, it’s not something I chose to pursue. My intention with this post is simply to say we all need to support each others decisions and assume that we’re all doing our best, doing our own research and choosing what’s best for our own families. Not trying to justify anything, because as you said, I don’t have to, I’m hoping other women will be able to relate to having similar feelings. Hoping you’re able to be supported in your decision and that all goes as you hope it does – congrats to you on your third!
THANK YOU for this post! I will be having my 4th C-section in February and am so excited! The first and third C-sections were unplanned (I had preeclampsia with my second) but I have come to terms with the fact that C-sections are just the way things are going to go for me and I am A-OK with that. No judgment! I recently read a blog post from a women who had her first C-section (fifth child) and she was just so negative about the darn thing and kept saying stuff like, “I can’t believe anyone would choose this.” It just sickened me that she found absolutely no joy in the process. Well, there ARE some of us that choose C-sections for very good reasons and find the beauty in it, lady! (Consequently, I no longer read her blog.)
Anyway, thanks again. I really appreciate your perspective and your honesty. Best wishes for a smooth delivery!
There are no extra rewards for a natural delivery, no extra rewards for an epidural, no extra rewards for a c-section, no extra rewards for a successful VBAC, no extra rewards for following your birth plan. The bottom line, no matter how you have that baby, the reward IS having a healthy mom and more importantly a healthy baby. So, however, you need to get there (traumatic or not), that is what you do. Stop the judgement and enjoy the freshness of new life because at the end of the journey, that is what we all want and wish for others too.
Thank you for this post. My babies were all planned c-sections by my birth choice and I’m always hesitant to share that because judgement is so great. Its wonderful to see you put this out there so others can see where you’re coming from rather than just see and question the choice you made.
I just don’t understand why anyone thinks it’s any of their bleeping business whether a mom chooses a vaginal birth, VBAC, scheduled C-section, or whatever. I mean, it’s just not any of my business! It’s not my baby or my life. I just don’t get why some people feel the need to proselytize their feelings about birth. I’m sure they mean well, but ye gods! It’s a bad mindset, and sometimes, it really adversely affects the mom’s mental health. Lord knows, with hormones bouncing all over the place, the last thing a new mom, or newly-pregnant mom needs is someone running off at the mouth and making her doubt her choices. I could tell you some stories.
As someone said here, as I said on another post, don’t miss the blessing. How your baby arrived in this world is immaterial, except for the stories you get to tell later on. And, the reasons for the choices you made on the road to birth are no one else’s doggone business. God bless you all!
Thank you so much for sharing. I am scheduled in two months to deliver my 2nd little guy. I cannot wait!
I think most criticisms aimed at c sections are the ones that are medically unnecessary, e.g., the mom who scheduled one just so her husband could watch the Superbowl uninterrupted. The criticisms are not aimed at moms that have medical reasons (VBAC2), such as yourself. Glad you were able to cheer yourself up by looking at the bright side, and choose to enjoy the small bit of freedom from choosing a date.
A successful birth is the one where mom and baby are healthy. But it is also true that different exits cause different recovery. For the vast majority of moms and babies, the quickest/healthiest recovery is via the vagina. Trust me. I had two boys, premature, that had breathing problems and had NICU time. If I could have avoided that with a vaginal birth (which helps squeeze their lungs in preparation for the first breath), I would have happily done so.
Again, I am cheering you on in having a successful birth, but I do feel your article is misleading. My perception is that some friends misunderstood yours was medically necessary, gave you clapback, and then you wrote a piece online saying c sections are okay and you shouldn’t be shamed. While this is true, the misleading came in when you acted like it was not medically necessary at times, but rather done for ease for yourself. Just wanted to speak up b/c I know a lot of new, expectant moms scour the blogs in search of info on birthing– you’d hate to accidentally imply that it is a decision to come to lightly. We can wish all day that c sections and vaginal births are completely equal– but we can’t change the facts they are not.
Be blessed.