My son was 18 months old when it happened. One minute he was happily waddling atop a toddler climbing set and the next he was crying on the floor, an angry, red lump swelling on his forehead. He hadn’t fallen. He was pushed. And the culprit, a blue-eyed, angel-faced 4-year old boy, was standing three feet above staring down without any remorse.
As I held my crying boy, a mortified mom dashed over full of apologies for my son and reprimands for hers.
“Please tell the little boy you’re sorry,” the boy’s mom said.
“No.”
“Tell him you’re sorry,” she hissed while leveling him with an icy glare.
“NO! I’m not sorry!” And then he ran away.
Her face burning with embarrassment, the mom turned to me and apologized for her son again and again as I reassured her my now dry-eyed toddler was fine. Moments later we watched as she dragged her son from the playground loudly explaining that one should always, always say they’re sorry after doing something like that.
Which got me to thinking, should they? I mean, if a child isn’t really sorry, should we force them to utter those three little words, “I am sorry?” As parents, we’re supposed to teach our children to be kind to one another and to make amends when they slip up. But what happens when they simply just won’t do it?
As a parent of a busy, active almost 4-year old, I’ve had my share of situations in which my son should apologize. Sometimes he’s given a heartfelt “I’m sorry.” Sometimes it’s been a hug or an offer of a toy. And sometimes, though rarely, there has been no apology, spoken or otherwise. It can be embarrassing. It can be frustrating. And it can certainly make me want to hiss, “Say. You’re. Sorry.” But what would that teach him? Forcing him to apologize won’t make him sorry if he’s simply not. And if it’s not a sincere apology, what’s the point anyway?
Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not talking about ignoring the issue or letting the behavior slide. He shouldn’t – and won’t – get a free pass just because he may not understand remorse. But by forcing him to apologize in these moments I fear there’s a chance that along with learning to say I’m sorry after a transgression, he’ll also begin to think those two little words are magical erasers that make any behavior excusable. After all, who hasn’t witnessed a child sarcastically sing “Sorrrryyyyyy” (complete with eye roll) only to get away from their parents and back to the fun?
There has to be a better way.
But what that better way is, I’m still figuring out. In the meantime, I’m trying to be more aware of my words and actions in these situations. I try to ask what happened and figure out why he behaved like he did. I try to help him understand why it’s not okay. And if that doesn’t prompt a genuine apology-esque action, the best I can come up with is modeling the behavior I’d like to see. That means telling the other child I’m sorry it happened and see how they’re doing/feeling…with my son watching and (hopefully) listening.
Is it a perfect strategy? Maybe not. It does take more work and awareness. And it has meant having to occasionally offer unpopular consequences to his actions (e.g., leaving the park, having a friend go home a bit early). I’m sure we’ll need to adjust our approach here and there as we go. We’ll have to see what works and what doesn’t. But hopefully our decision not to force apologies is also a step towards our son learning that just mumbling the words “I’m sorry” won’t magically make everything okay. Hopefully it’s a step towards greater awareness on his part. And hopefully, it’s a step towards fewer situations where he needs to say sorry at all.
4 comments
I was just explaining this exact same thing to my husband! He was trying to force one of my two year olds to say she was sorry but it just didn’t feel right. He didn’t really understand why I was ok with her not apologizing but you expressed exactly what I was thinking. If you figure it out let me know! 🙂
Well, now … Not only is he not sorry, but now he’s disobeying you.
If I asked my 3 year old to say The Pledge of Allegiance … He better ~ because I’m his mom and I said so.
Maybe I’ve become an iron fist ~ but I have 4 kids ~ so we have to maintain some sort of order or things get REALLY crazy.
Anyway ~ I never want to modify behavior without understanding ~ but sometimes understanding and compassion come later ~ I reccomend ‘Shepherding a Child’s Heart.’ A book about helping children have empathy and compassion.
Best of luck! 🙂
Totally agree. I have four kids also, and if they are not sorry, they will learn that they HAVE done something they should feel badly about much quicker when they are told to say sorry. Oh, yeah and they are forced to take turns sharing, too.
I’ve never made any of kids apologise. We talk about what they’ve done and how the other person might be feeling then I just tell them to think about what they’ve done and if they feel they want to apologise then they should. 9/10 at some point they would, on occasion it has taking up to a week but they don’t forget.
If you think about it from an adult perspective, your chatting with a mate and the conversation leads to a disagreement and something gets said that shouldn’t have. At that moment in time you could be feeling angry, emotional etc and need to step away from the situation and take time to think about what happened and it’s only usually then that you think about going back to apologise.
So why when I child has done something on the spur of the moment often done through a build up of emotions do we expect them to instantly be able to control these emotions and thoughts going through their tiny minds and bodies enough to be able to assess the situation in a cool and controlled manor and then apologise??
I think it comes down to what society “expects” and also by making our child say sorry it makes us as parents feel better as we’ve done something to try and help the situation