I am always trying to be a better mom. But, why?
I am confused. Yes, I want to be the best mom I can be. Yes, I want my child to grow up strong, kind, confident, and “all the things.” But since when is loving her, nurturing her, and educating her not enough? Why do I carry this never-ending need to be “better”? Can’t I just be me and trust my instincts to guide me?
I often wonder about mothers raising children in the 1940’s, 50’s, 60’s, 70’s and even the 80’s. I wonder what kind of self-doubt and self-abuse moms were giving themselves. Today, we get pressure from Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and more. Before all this technology, did mamas feel the same pressure for motherhood perfection? And, if so, where did they feel that pressure?
I remember being raised by a mom that really didn’t seem to question how she was doing this parenting thing. Maybe she felt pressure or “mom-guilt,” but I didn’t see it or feel it. Maybe she hid it well? She was firm and liberal. She was confident and didn’t waver. Nowadays I see so much doubt in mothers’ minds, and it breaks my heart. Sure, in 2018 we have more choices to make as a mother (what kind of stroller, car seat, swaddle, daycare). But the biggest crush to my own confidence is that I am given too many avenues of comparison. We can turn on the TV, open a magazine, open any app on our device and are shown that there is more we could and should be doing. There is so much more information now as well, and all at the edge of our fingertips. So, when a mom is struggling to breastfeed, calm her baby, or wants more information about infant health, she is overwhelmed by the articles and research about what is “best” and “right” instead of doing what works best for HER and her baby.
We all learn quickly that babies do not come with an instruction manual. We learn (I most certainly learned this within a few hours of her birth) that there is no “right way” to be a mama, to change a diaper, to rock baby to sleep. Yet, I was bombarded by images, books, and stories of the “right way” to do things. I remember seeing a Facebook post from a complete stranger and being triggered. A new mom had shared that her baby had slept through the night. I lost it! I began to question every decision I had made in my 4 weeks as a mother. Spiraling down in thoughts of mom-guilt, shame, inadequacy, and more, I grasped for reassurance as a mother, as a woman.
These feelings of inadequacy, and the anger it brings me, are always haunting the choices I make as a mother. I try to work against it, but I often find it eating me up in such unhealthy ways. I must be honest and say that this fight is far from over. These feelings have never been “won” or conquered but I have found better ways to cope. Unlike the night I spiraled down a hole of doubt due to a stranger’s Facebook post, I have learned to drop into the present, reassure myself of my own instincts and remind myself that I am enough.
I know I am not the only mama struggling with this pressure. I also know I am not the only one overwhelmed by self-doubt. At Blooma, I work to emotionally and physically support ALL mamas as they walk the path of motherhood. I encourage them to be confident and listen to their inner wisdom. I want them all to know they have knowledge deep inside that will guide them. They just need to listen to it (and ignore all the outside voices).
No matter how many articles you read, fancy baby stuff you buy, Facebook parenting groups you belong to, you just have to be YOU! Each parent needs to make their own decisions in their own homes that work for their families. As mamas, we need to be confident about those decisions and start having an “I don’t care what you think” attitude.
As a community of mothers, we need to hold one another up, not tear each other down. Let’s remember that we are all doing our best. Each mama has her own way of doing things. Can we just accept that and move on? We are all human raising tiny humans. Let’s come together and take that pressure off each other. Love your fellow mama, tell her how great she is doing, and know you are doing an amazing job (despite the latest article you read on Facebook at three in the morning).
Sarah Longacre is the Owner and Founder of Blooma. Blooma is a supportive space that nurtures the minds, bodies, and spirit of new moms and moms to be. They offer prenatal yoga, bring your own baby yoga, babywearing barre, workshops, childbirth education, and more. You can learn more about all that they do here.
