Seek legal advice early in the process.
The end of a relationship can be an emotional and overwhelming time, in and of itself. If you also share a child, or children, with your former spouse/partner, it can be even more emotional and overwhelming as you attempt to navigate the issues of parenting time schedules, custody arrangements, and the Court process. Our first instinct is often to turn to family members, or friends, to seek their advice. And although our friends and family members may have our best interests at heart, they may not be the best people to provide you with legal advice in relation to custody and parenting time…
Another thought may be to seek advice online, as there are countless articles and books and blogs, which address all sorts of custody and parenting time-related matters. But each state has different laws in relation to custody and parenting time, so what may be applicable to one state may not apply in your state. In addition, your family is unique, and there is rarely a one-size-fits-all method of addressing an issue.
Rather than trying to do this by yourself, meet with an experienced family law attorney (or multiple attorneys) for an initial consultation to discuss your questions and options. A good family law attorney will provide you with information about your legal rights and options. They will explain the process that may be applicable in your case, so that you have a better understanding of what the next steps may be. It often helps to make the process feel much less overwhelming and scary when you have a better understanding of what to expect.
Do not speak negatively about the other parent to your child.
As much as you may want to tell your child about all of the terrible things her father/mother did which led to the end of your relationship, in the long run it’s not going to benefit your child to hear the negative things about her parent. And, children are always listening. So, you need to make sure you are not making negative comments about your former spouse/partner when you’re on the phone in your car (with your child in the car with you) or when you’re in the other room and think your child is watching TV or playing on her iPad.
You also need to make sure that the other adults in your child’s life are following this same guideline. Grandparents, aunts/uncles, and your adult friends are likely just trying to support you. However, you need to make sure they save any negative comments about your child’s mother/father for private conversations when the kids aren’t present or within earshot.
Kids will ultimately adjust much easier to a separation if they don’t hear negative things about their mom/dad, if they can feel like their parents are still able to get along and talk with each other during parenting time exchanges, if the body language between their parents isn’t screaming “I hate you”, and if the adults in their life are acting like adults. Kids should not be put in the position of having to choose sides because of hard feelings between their parents. Nor should they hear about how horrible the other parent is behaving, etc.
Try to work together.
I know it sounds ridiculous, because if you could “work together” your relationship likely wouldn’t have ended. But, if you share a child with your former spouse/partner, you are going to have to co-parent with that other person for the rest of your child’s life. There will be school events, sports activities when you have to be on the same field together, birthday parties, graduations, weddings, and other events where you will likely need to see your former spouse/partner.
Although you may no longer be in a relationship together, you share a child together. And that child needs both of you to support them for the rest of their life. This is especially true right after separation, as the child is trying to figure out his or her “new normal” of a divided household. If you can find a way to get past the hurt feelings about the end of the relationship and treat this as a business partnership – rather than a romantic relationship – your road ahead will be far easier. You do not have to love or even like each other. But you do need to find a way to work together to continue raising your child.
Remember that it’s not a battle.
There is often a misconception that parties, and opposing attorneys, need to “fight” when it comes to deciding disputed custody and parenting time issues. Many people believe that they need to hire a “bulldog” attorney to vehemently defend their rights and aggressively protect their best interests, as if a more intimidating professional will be able to force the other parent, or opposing attorney, or the Judge to bend to his/her wishes. This is rarely the reality in family court matters. If the professionals are fighting with each other, it usually just delays the matter (which increases the cost of each parent’s incurring attorney’s fees). It also adds to the hard feelings between the parents.
Most of the time, parents are better served by having experienced professionals working with them to consider all of the options, exchange ideas and proposals, and negotiate solutions which are in the children’s best interests. Attorneys do not need to fight with each other, or the opposing party, to achieve results. And parents should not view custody and parenting time matters as battles that must be won.
It’s important to remember that the goal is to create a custody arrangement that is in your children’s best interests, not necessarily your best interests. Increased litigation is generally not going to be in the children’s best interests. For that reason, most custody and parenting time disputes are resolved through negotiation and mediation, rather than a formal litigation process through the Court. Therefore, it is important for parents to be able to cooperate and reach agreements with the assistance of attorneys and/or mediators.
The authors of this article, Kristin Huston and Courtney Schneider, are both experienced family law attorneys in Edina, MN. To learn more about their practice, or to schedule an appointment to discuss any questions you may have regarding custody, parenting time, or other family law matters, please visit their website HERE.
