Tomorrow we won’t fight with him.
My husband whispered those words to me as he came into our son’s bedroom. I was sitting in the rocking chair next to his bed watching him sleep. I sighed. I had just been having the same internal dialogue in my head.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
Tomorrow I will yell at him less.
Tomorrow I will be more patient.
Tomorrow I will play with him more.
Tomorrow I will laugh with him.
Tomorrow I will do everything I can to make sure he knows how much we adore and cherish him.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow offers hope. A clean slate. Another chance to be the kind of mom I want to so badly be.
Tonight my heart is heavy. It’s sad, beat up and full of regret. Lately I feel like every day I’m fighting battles. All. Day. Long.
Having a persistent, determined two and a half year old is hard. As charming and funny as they can be, they can also be downright maddening. Enter a mama who gets easily frustrated and well, things can get ugly. We are both stubborn, prideful and too much alike. We both like to be in control. The thing is, he is TWO and his behavior is to be expected. I, on the other hand, am a 30-year old mama who should know better. I should know to remain calm, laugh it off and move on. I don’t want to spend these precious days fighting battles against him. I don’t want to feel battered, bruised and defeated after a long day of fighting. If I’m being honest, fighting is taking its toll. It is stealing the joy of motherhood. It is causing a strain on my relationship with my toddler. I adore him to death, he is my everything- but- I’m exhausted. It is breaking my heart.
As I watch him sleep it dawns on me. I’m not sure that doing better means fighting less. The reality is that motherhood is always going to be filled with battles. It’s part of the job. Our job isn’t to keep the peace at whatever cost. It is to fight at all costs. The fight we are fighting is to raise our children. Children who are decent, responsible, loving, kind, respectful, honest. Children who can hold their own and succeed in this world. Each battle is a small victory as we progress through motherhood. I’m not fighting against him. I am fighting with him. I am fighting for him. This doesn’t mean I can’t change the way I fight. I CAN do a better job at staying calm during the battles. I can choose my battles more wisely, be more discreet. I can teach him to fight battles respectfully. I can fight for him in a way that doesn’t keep hurting our relationship.
So while I can’t say I’m waving that white flag- I am going to change course. I’ll keep fighting the fights that are necessary for his well being. I’ll keep fighting for him to be his own self. But I’m also going to be more calm and let go of the frustration. I’m going to slow down and enjoy the ride. I am going to embrace having a little mini clone of myself and show him how I can keep my emotions in check.
Tomorrow I will keep my cool when he asks for milk and refuses the yellow Mickey Mouse cup because he wanted the blue Mickey cup. I’ll sip my coffee as I talk to him calmly about using “thanks” and “please.”
Tomorrow I won’t get frustrated when he refuses breakfast only to say “I’m hungry” ten minutes later. I’ll gently remind him that we have to eat at scheduled times and that he can have a banana in the car.
Tomorrow I will laugh at his persistence to wear his Jake and the Neverland Pirates pajama shirt to daycare. I’ll be silly with him and tease him as I discreetly dress him in a different shirt of his choosing.
Tomorrow I will be patient and let him walk to the car as slowly as he’d like. I’ll let him climb into his car seat by himself while telling him, you are so independent!
Tomorrow when he asks me to play with him while I’m making dinner, I’ll say just a minute. I’ll talk to him about waiting our turn while I get down on the floor and build Legos and do puzzles together.
Tomorrow I will say yes to his relentless requests to play swords. I am coming to realize that he needs me to play with him in order to avoid meltdowns.
Tomorrow I will be silly with him, make a mess and not care. I’ll be better at relaxing, other things can wait.
Tomorrow I’ll snuggle with him in his bed, holding him in my arms, feeling his breath on my face, his body melting into mine. I know he will feel safe and loved.
Tomorrow I will be at peace looking at him knowing that there is no where else I would rather be.
Tomorrow there is no other battle that I would rather be fighting.
Tomorrow I won’t be perfect, but I will do better.
84 comments
Beautiful message and so important for parents to hear. I feel like I have to leave a plug for Kirk Martin here. He has taught me most everything I know about Calm Parenting. His website is celebratecalm.com. His CDs are invaluable and have saved me so much stress and frustration. If you can, see if he is speaking at a location near you. You will feel like you’re at a comedy show while getting the best advice of your life. Thank you for sharing your story!!
I had 3 strong willed children and worked part time as a PT. I found early on that giving them choices between even a blue or yellow cup made everybody happier. Even a choice between two outfits to wear to day care and preschool. A little more work for me, but loess battles. Today they are college graduates and independent adults who weigh every decision wisely. I am proud of them and proud of me.
I feel like I could have written this word for word. This is what I tell myself every single night. Tomorrow I will do better. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone!
I absolutely love that you will talk to him about waiting while you are preparing dinner to play with him! I always falter between feeling like a terrible mom for not dropping everything and wanting our children to understand that there needs will not always be the first priority in life… at home or in the “real” world. Thanks for such wonderful insight!
*”their” needs, not “there” needs. Gross.
I noticed it too but relax spelling skills do not prove intelligence.
Oh my gosh! This is everything I’ve done, felt, wanted to say, and so on! I have a 2 1/2 yo son as well. Strong willed, independent, opinionated, etc. I do let his stubbornness overwhelm me at times. Sometimes he can make me want to laugh, cry, and scream at the same time! Lol. His attitude is identical to mine. My mom has told me stories of my own toddler fits. Needless to say they weren’t pretty. But I don’t remember the moments my mom and I disagreed or fought. I remember her love, her letting me be independent (within reason). I didn’t get everything I wanted trust me. I hope those moments stick out for my son as well. I hope to be half the mother mom was/is. Thank you for this!
So well-said. I would give anything to have had that perspective at that stage. My first-born (my challenge child) is 20 years old and we have suffered many battles, many storms. As a result, and for many other reasons, my marriage did not survive and my relationship with my son has been damaged; I won’t say beyond repair. We are currently taking baby steps to forgive and heal and move on from the past. I was that mom. I was a yeller. But I also know I loved and loved deeply and there is nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for either of my sons. I learned a little too late and for that I am regretful but I also am hopeful and optimistic that what was damaged can and will be restored and redeemed. My thoughts and prayers are with you to continue to fight the good fight, but with a softer tone! Bless you!
Absolutely wonderful – thanks for good tears and a great reminder.
I want to laugh and cry as I read this! My son just turned four and he sounds so similar to your little boy! As I’m sure everyone tells you, it does get easier as they get older! However, we are nowhere near the “Golden age” yet in my house. Sometime around when my son turned three I came up with my “angry boss theory”. No one performs well when their boss is constantly angry and critical with them. I realize that I was the angry boss! Putting a temporary two week hiatus on all punishments reset both my and my little ones temperament. Most parents I know I have more agreeable children than mine. It makes me so happy to hear a mother like you write about your experience with your son. Thank you so much for sharing!
Beautiful, made e think alot about how i am with my 2yr and half twin boy’s, born july 31st 2013, they drive me crazy.
I can so relate to this my son just turned 3. He is a lot smarter for his age but he know just what to do to push me to the edge. This was well written and very inspiring!!!