Writing Your Parenting Goals

At her four-year checkup, my daughter was asked to draw a picture of me. She looked up and studied my features like she’d never seen me before, then proceeded to draw a series of circles and lines that represented an image of me. “Oh, she drew hair. She’s advanced at drawing people for her age,” explained our pediatrician. Not knowing this was a thing one could be advanced at my husband and I would later exchange jokes about future Harvard scholarships.

All joking aside, it seems we have entered a new territory with her fourth year of life. One more year until five and that means Kindergarten. It’s all that parents talk about at playdates and birthday parties now. We share what knowledge we have gathered from neighbors and friends to jockey our children into the best position to be at, in order to get into the best school, so they can be advanced and succeed. It seems that if we don’t make the right decision now, then we can kiss that hypothetical Harvard scholarship goodbye already.

The pressure of these decisions gets to me. What school has a good gifted program? How do we prepare our daughter to be gifted? Should we have changed preschools? What about extra-curricular activities or sports? Are we doing enough? I never wanted to feel this pressure. During my pregnancy and for the early years of my daughter’s life my only desire was for her to be happy, to have a few good friends she can count on and to be kind to everyone and everything. Academic or athletic giftedness could come or go as long as these basic life values were met.

And so with this pressure, I found myself sitting in my therapist’s office, with tightness building in my chest from anxiety, saying that I was afraid that we were doing the wrong things for our daughter’s future. With one more child on the way, this anxiety was elevated. Would they someday be upset that we didn’t prepare them more academically or athletically? I explain that this anxiety drives me to complicate our lives by signing up for a music or STEM class we don’t have time for or researching preschools we can’t afford.

It happens often in my therapy journey, the solution is so simple but not something I could think of with the cloud of anxiety and guilt hovering over my head. In this case, it was the gentle suggestion that I write down my goals for my children.

1. Happiness
2. A few good friends they can count on
3. Be kind to everyone and everything

As a parent, I make a lot of complicated and hard decisions for my children. These goals are the foundation for all decisions I make about their future. I refer back to these when I am feeling anxiety, guilt or doubt that I am doing the right thing. Of course, there are other basic factors like health, safety, feasibility, and cost to consider. Using these goals I can say confidently (or at least mostly confidently) that – people drawing skills aside because we have clearly done our job there – it isn’t one of our priorities that our daughter is gifted or advanced. We will find a kindergarten where she can be happy and safe. Where she will grow into a good and kind person.

These goals don’t live in a pretty frame on our wall. They are written in an old spiral notebook that I use as a journal. I don’t actually look at them that often. Writing them down and setting the intention that these are my guideposts was a good enough exercise for me. I still feel anxiety and guilt around making the best choice for my children. I now have a solid place to return to when this spiral starts to grow into a tightness in my chest and I’m left feeling full of doubt.

This isn’t an earth-shattering suggestion. It’s so simple it almost doesn’t feel worth it. However, if you find that you struggle with the pressure of the decisions we all have to make every day this is my gentle suggestion; write down your goals. And it won’t cost you a full hour of therapist’s time.