When I was pregnant, I secretly wished for a boy. I was raised with three older brothers, had lots of guy friends and knew little of life with girls. Instead of dresses and French braids, I dreamed of playing catch in the yard, kissing the top of his sweaty, tousle haired head and not being hated from ages 14-17. (Yes, I was an awful teenager. My apologies to my mom and condolences to moms of other teenage girls.)
And now I’m raising a caveman. I watch in speechless awe as my 3 ½-year old son bangs on any available surface as loudly as he can. He throws his head back and gleefully roars. He zooms cars and launches dinosaurs. He builds up to break down. He climbs with abandon. He grunts, stomps, stinks and smashes things together. He thinks farts are funny and mud is a both a food group and necessary art supply. He is, without a shadow of a doubt, all boy.
Along with the many things I never knew I’d do before becoming a mom to a boy – e.g., superhero races through the living room, fighting invisible ninjas, and turning every outing into a super secret agent spy adventure/ bug hunt/ chance to get dirty – I also say a lot of downright weird things. And while I’m sure moms of girls can claim any number of crazy exchanges, the sticky, dirty and downright gross antics of boys elicit a unique and special phraseology of their own.
What Moms of Boys May Say Today (or Yesterday or Tomorrow)
- Put your penis away.
- Your penis is not a gun.
- Your spoon is not a gun.
- Please take the Lego out of your underwear.
- We wear pants at the dinner table/ in public.
- Why are you naked?
- How did you get up so high?
- Don’t jump! DON’T JUMP!
- Is this pee? Is that pee? Why is there so much pee?
- No, the toad can’t come inside for a snack.
- Please do not eat the gum stuck under the table!
- No, I won’t look at your butt.
- Well, I guess that’s broken.
- You don’t need to tell us every time you toot.
- You cannot put the fish in the toilet.
- We pee inside, not in the front yard.
- Yes, you do have to wear underwear today.
- Did you just lick that worm?
- Look, it’s a front loader/ excavator/ bulldozer/ crane!
- Please stop tackling the dog.
- I love you so much it hurts…wait. Nope, I just stepped on a Matchbox Car.
So what are some of the craziest things you’ve said to your son or daughter? C’mon, give us the dirt!
21 comments
I think my favorite (and most memorable thing) I’ve said to my boys is: Leo, please stop playing your brother’s buns like a bongo drum.
I love it!
Having 2 boys 19 months apart wasn’t bad when they were babies, but now they’re full on BOYS! Some of my favorites are stop licking your bat, you both don’t have to pee in the toilet at the same time, we do have more than one potty in the house, who pee’d in the sink?!? Please watch where you point you’re penis when your using the bathroom. Yes, you must use soap to wash your hands! Quit chewing on…. Stop trying to give your brother a wedgie. Who took the seat off the toilet??? I could probably write a book!!! Oh yes, you are not Spider-Man so quit trying to climb the wall!!!!
These are classic! I can’t tell you how many times I have to tell him to watch where he’s aiming his penis. Do they ever learn?!
Stop licking your feet! I say this at least once a day!
Ha! I’ve definitely said that a few times too!
My dd is about to be 15, and I’ve had to ask her why she’s naked (when she was a toddler) many times. My boys, though, they are 12 and 7 and OMG it only gets better as they get older. Whoever said raising boys is easier than raising girls did not have to guide a tween boy through the treacherous waters of puberty and mean girls (there’s a whole story there, but I’ll spare ya). I am still amazed by just how many conversations in this house involve penises and/or bodily functions.
LOL. As a mom of two boys, I say things like this all the time!! 🙂
Do you remember where the toys I took and hide from you the other day.?
also the other day I had to tell my 6 year old dont lick the icing off the ground. He dropped he’s cake and his reply was I wasn’t gonna eat the cake just the icing and You said don’t waste food mom so I licked it. Never thought I have to tell someone not to lick the ground
I made a lawn dart game using a hula hoop and plungers. You just hold the wooden part and try to get it in the hoop. 6 plungers is too much for one boy to handle so very frequently “stop plunging that (insert anything here)!” Comes out of my mouth. They have been used like ski poles with a wagon and so much more. Who know $6 could be an endless supply of entertainment?
“Stop throwing the cat into the ceiling fan” I kid you not. I’m sure I could come up with a million more. And not just the boys. I raised two of them, and three girls. The youngest girl was probably worse than the boys, or at least tried to keep up with them. Now they are all grown up and starting to raise little ones of their own. My favorite question from them now is, “Mom, how did you do it? You are a saint!” I just grin and spoil the grands, and then I go home!
As a mom to twin 3-1/2 year old boys I say all of those things – -twice.