When I was pregnant, I secretly wished for a boy. I was raised with three older brothers, had lots of guy friends and knew little of life with girls. Instead of dresses and French braids, I dreamed of playing catch in the yard, kissing the top of his sweaty, tousle haired head and not being hated from ages 14-17. (Yes, I was an awful teenager. My apologies to my mom and condolences to moms of other teenage girls.)
And now I’m raising a caveman. I watch in speechless awe as my 3 ½-year old son bangs on any available surface as loudly as he can. He throws his head back and gleefully roars. He zooms cars and launches dinosaurs. He builds up to break down. He climbs with abandon. He grunts, stomps, stinks and smashes things together. He thinks farts are funny and mud is a both a food group and necessary art supply. He is, without a shadow of a doubt, all boy.
Along with the many things I never knew I’d do before becoming a mom to a boy – e.g., superhero races through the living room, fighting invisible ninjas, and turning every outing into a super secret agent spy adventure/ bug hunt/ chance to get dirty – I also say a lot of downright weird things. And while I’m sure moms of girls can claim any number of crazy exchanges, the sticky, dirty and downright gross antics of boys elicit a unique and special phraseology of their own.
What Moms of Boys May Say Today (or Yesterday or Tomorrow)
- Put your penis away.
- Your penis is not a gun.
- Your spoon is not a gun.
- Please take the Lego out of your underwear.
- We wear pants at the dinner table/ in public.
- Why are you naked?
- How did you get up so high?
- Don’t jump! DON’T JUMP!
- Is this pee? Is that pee? Why is there so much pee?
- No, the toad can’t come inside for a snack.
- Please do not eat the gum stuck under the table!
- No, I won’t look at your butt.
- Well, I guess that’s broken.
- You don’t need to tell us every time you toot.
- You cannot put the fish in the toilet.
- We pee inside, not in the front yard.
- Yes, you do have to wear underwear today.
- Did you just lick that worm?
- Look, it’s a front loader/ excavator/ bulldozer/ crane!
- Please stop tackling the dog.
- I love you so much it hurts…wait. Nope, I just stepped on a Matchbox Car.
So what are some of the craziest things you’ve said to your son or daughter? C’mon, give us the dirt!
21 comments
To my 4-year-old son:
“You don’t have to tell me every time you have to pee. Just go do it.”
“Why don’t you have any clothes on?”
“We have to wear clothes to go outside.”
To my 1-year-old son:
“Put that down; that’s the dog’s toy.”
To my 2-month-old puppy:
“Put that down; that’s the baby’s toy.”
As mom to a 5 year old and a 2 year old I have definitely had things come out of my mouth that I never knew would need to be said. My top three…. #3: Stop picking your nose with your brother’s toe!, #2: G (2yo), you don’t stick your finger up you brother’s bummy hole!, #1: L (5yo), take your penis of your brother’s head, and go brush your teeth!
I think my favorite is what my boy said to me when he was about 3 or 4, “Mom, do cars have penises?!” (As he stooped down looking underneath the car)
So you’re saying if my daughter does exactly those things on your list she’s “all boy?” Why so sexist? THIS is exactly why so many kids have gender identity crisis because we try to brainwash them to believe if they like dirt and sticks and frogs they can’t be a girl. If they like dolls and pink they cant be a boy or they are gay. We try to change who they are to fit our gender stereo type instead of letting them be themselves. It’s dangerous to say a child is “all boy” if they like certain activities because you are saying “only boys” can like those activities. “All” boy excludes girls. Children like making noise playing in dirt playing with loud toys etc. I know just as many boys who love dolls as I do girls who love trucks. Please stop being sexist.
Saying “all boy” doesn’t exclude girls and writing a list of things that boys say doesn’t exclude girls from being able to say them. This is simply a fun article meant to be relatable, which the writer did well. So many moms of boys are saying “YES” to this post, because they can relate. No where in the article does it say girls can’t/don’t do or say these things.
Come on she didn’t say girls didn’t do those kinds of things she doesn’t have a girl so how could she no.. Why is someone ALWAYS OFFENDED by everything that is said.. All of this political correctness IS WHATS WRONG WITH THE WORLD.. And you know what if you let a child play with and how ever they want and not put all of junk in their face all the time they will figure it out all on their own….
As a Mom of a 12 yr old boy, far too often I say in the car, “What IS that smell? (nothing but giggles from the back of the minivan) Oh my word, son. Is that smell your feet?! Put your shoes back on! I’m gagging up here!”
I’ve got a two week old boy sleeping in my arms right now. I can’t wait to see what I can add to this list!