It started with a home improvement project, which is weird because I’m very much not into that.
Our home office was a dingy old desk I’d had since I was a student. It sat in the corner of our living room, which flows into the kitchen, which flows into the kids’ playroom, which means all the mess and noise of our entire house ends up at that desk. It went from workstation to a flat surface for piling who-knows-what, but mostly dust and old cables. That useless eyesore of a desk looked like a failure.
Suddenly I realized: we have unused space in our guest bedroom. Rather than turning it into an office and bedroom, I realized I could use the closet in the guest room as a workstation. It’s not like my guests needed a full closet. With a few hooks on the back of a door, I could provide them all they needed for hanging their clothes. When guests needed the room, I could just shut the closet door on the desk area and the entire room was for guests only again. Feeling very proud of myself, I got to work measuring for a desktop and ripping out closet shelving.
Pro tip: before you try to recreate any kind of wheel, consult Pinterest. Turns out a “cloffice” (closet + office) is not a thing I invented on my own, and lots of people did it a lot better than me. I could have saved a lot of time learning from their mistakes.
Anyway, a few trips to Ikea and a lot of home improvement YouTube videos later, I had this great set-up at my disposal. I did it almost entirely on my own, and I felt pride and ownership of this neat little corner in my house. I planned so much good work for it.
But then my husband used it whenever he needed to work from home (which was admittedly part of the deal). And then my kids discovered it and jumped on the guest bed while I tried to think. Plus, any work or writing I wanted to set out while in-progress always had to be cleared out, otherwise it got in my husband’s way or, better yet, fell victim to my children and their love for pens. I knew our home needed a better working area, but I had other dreams for the space. I wanted it to be a quiet nook where I could work, write, dream, study, and basically have a little time away. In its current form, the cloffice would never be that.
Over the last year, I discovered I still had an enormous need for something that wasn’t just a desk. I use the desk plenty, to be sure. But I never use it for the things I really wanted it for. It never became my quiet listening and learning spot. I know I need a specific spot for it because otherwise, it doesn’t happen. I don’t get time to journal or study or write anymore, and that’s mostly because I haven’t carved out a spot in my life for it.
Motherhood has made me a better, stronger person except for a few notable things. One is that I’ve learned I’m pretty likely to steal my kids’ candy, and I thought I was better than that. But the biggest one is that I don’t care about myself anymore. Some cite this as a strength of motherhood. Once you’re a mom, all ego and selfishness need to disappear. But it’s not always good to give yourself up. Years of parenting and setting aside your pre-mom self means you can forget who you are and what you treasure in the first place. A strong sense of identity and values give you strength on the hard days and help you teach your kids what it means to live with integrity. It’s a lot harder to teach it if you don’t have it.
If I was going to get some time for myself, I was going to have to get some space for myself.
We have a pretty big walk-in closet in our house. It’s mostly filled with junk and socks. So a few weeks ago I got really, really agitated and cleared out a whole corner of it. Then I dug in our basement and found an old desk (this time a nice one!) and cleaned it up. The next day I went back to my old friend Ikea for a chair and some battery-operated mood lights. I set out all my nice pens and my bullet journal stuff exactly how I want it. I even got an old scarf and made it into a canopy. I stepped back and realized: I have my own space now. It’s not fancy. It’s not even pretty. But it’s mine.
I really only use it after the kids have gone to bed or my spouse is around to watch them. I make sure that everyone knows where I’ve gone and that they can’t join me. I close the door. I put away my electronics. I journal, or I do a Bible study, or I read, or I meditate (or try to, at least), or I pray, or basically, I do any of the restful, restorative things I tell myself I have no time for. I have made a space in my house for them, so now; I will make a space in my life for them. When I come stumbling out of my closet 30 minutes later, I feel a little more like myself.
You need a spot too, mama. You need something – a chair, a corner, a closet – that can be your own spot. You need a nook of your own. Let yourself have space to be you. Let your kids see that you’re worth some quiet time. Let them know that you love them, and they absolutely cannot come into your special room. Let yourself remember who you are, or who you are becoming, or who you want to be. It’s worth it. You’re worth it. Let me know what you learn.
