Parenting By The Book. Or Not.

As someone who is obsessed with facts and thrives on intellectual stimulation, I myself am surprised by this. Why did I accept that ‘Ignorance is Bliss’ when usually I believe the mantra that ‘Knowledge is Power’?  To say there is a blurred line between those two sentiments is definitely an understatement.

10 years ago, we didn’t even have a computer in the house. So when our baby was born with some medical problems, I couldn’t turn to Google for quick answers. Today if I were to do an internet search on Hydronephrosis (the medical term for water in the kidneys) to learn about the condition my son was born with, surely I would have thought he was going to need a kidney transplant.  I probably would have called everyone in my family and begged them to sign up as organ donors. Turns out my baby did not need a transplant, just antibiotics for the first few months of life while the condition resolved on its own.

By the time my second son joined the world, we did have a computer at home but no one had smartphones yet. So when my 2-week-old baby got very sick and was admitted to the NICU with a life threatening case of meningitis, it’s probably a good thing I didn’t have the opportunity to research the survival rates of streptococcal meningitis. I would have gone crazy, reading that my son surely would die or be severely impacted if he were to survive. If he were born today, with my trusty smartphone always by my side, I would have wasted hours researching his condition.  Hours that were better  spent focusing on my son, spending time in the moment with him. Time he needed me to hold him in Kangaroo Care or pump my milk to nourish his failing body or just provide his daily cares for him instead of the nurses.

At a baby shower, I was gifted with a beautiful set of books by a friend. She knew I loved to read and it was such a thoughtful gift. Many of the books were endorsed by the American Academy of Pediatrics. I guess she figured if a collaborative group of pediatricians recommended it, something must be right.

If I had better photography skills you would see that those books have a fine layer of dust because I have not used them. I thought I would read them on maternity leave. Yeah right. Then I thought I would read them while I was pumping. Sorry, but People magazine was far more entertaining.  So when my kids were little and not sleeping, I finally turned to the book titled “Guide to your Child’s Sleep”. Surely the answers to all my problems would lie between the pages of that book. But no pediatrician (or at least very few) would ever recommend co-sleeping. And when I was working full time with a 3 month old baby and had a busy toddler, I found myself in complete survival mode, collapsing in bed every night with a nursing baby by my side. When I consulted the books on first foods to feed my baby, never did it say to try an avocado or banana. But what did my youngest son eat first from his brothers plate when I wasn’t looking?  You got it, avocados and bananas. That was baby led weaning at its finest!

A few years ago, there was a delightful documentary released in theatres about how raising babies differs by culture. I could hardly wait to see it and was quite fascinated by the premise that the cultural norms are so different depending on where you live and the traditions of the people in various countries. And here’s the thing, there are moms from all over the world that sleep with their babies and don’t give rice cereal the day their baby turns 4 months (or wait, is it 6 months?)  In America, it seems we are so bombarded with rules, that we don’t even know which rules to follow anymore…rules like how much screen time is acceptable to ideal vaccination schedules, to giving your child only organic foods (and preferably no milk or wheat because please, we all know that is poison).  There are rules on how much and when we should praise our children but heaven forbid if we praise them too much they might turn out to be narcissistic adults! The tiring list of examples of this goes on and on.  No wonder we moms are so overwhelmed!

Information is good. I like information, especially facts and statistics. But who’s to say that an author of some book knows more about YOUR child.

Let me shout this out: NOONE KNOWS YOUR BABY LIKE YOU DO!

My oldest was colicky and spit-uppy (not an official word) and literally did NOT sleep for more than an hour at a time. There was not a book on this planet that covered the how-to instructions for all those characteristics.  I had to learn my own baby’s cues as he was writing his own manual on how I should best take care of him.  For me, it helped that I was not distracted by the internet or a smartphone, so I was able to pay close attention to the details of what worked best to soothe him. And then when my second son came along, everything I learned with my first was thrown out the window and I needed to (joyfully) relearn it all over again from his perspective, for each child is unique and special.

As I have grown in my parenting journey, I will say I am learning how to fine tune the information that I am bombarded with. I am learning better ways to seek answers when I need them. I might find a useful tip here and there, and that tip becomes a important tool for my proverbial parenting toolbox. But I don’t ever want to lose sight of my own inner voice, my intuition that guides me best on my motherhood journey.  Even better than reading a book or doing a Google search, I have found that talking with other moms who have been there is extremely beneficial. For me, when I am struggling with an  issue or agonizing over a decision that I need to make, I talk to my husband first. And then I share my concern with a friend who has travelled this road. And that my friends, is why I signed up to do this Twin Cities Familys Blog gig in the first place.  Yes our forum happens to be the internet, but it is my hope that through real life connections we can develop friendships where we can learn from each other, supporting each other on this wild ride called life.

I leave you with this quote from Steve Jobs. I think it best describes what I am trying to say to you mamas out there who are in the trenches of raising your children as best you can, while still honoring that inner voice and intuition that will carry us far.

Shine On Friends-