I’ve mentioned before that we’re expecting our fourth baby in September. I realize having four kids, let alone four under three years old is enough to send some people into cardiac shock. It’s a lot of kids in a short period. I understand the way we’re doing it certainly isn’t for everybody. I also understand there are people who aren’t able to have kids close in age for a number of reasons that may be out of their control.
We’re all different, and obviously we’re all entitled to our preferences and opinions. Right now I’m realizing that more than ever! I’m 21 weeks pregnant. I’ve reached that point when there’s no hiding the fact that I’m having another baby. I’ve started to get those looks at Target as my big belly and I are pushing the mega cart with three kids in tow. It takes about 2 seconds for me to read whether they think I’m crazy or if it makes them smile.
Overall, most people have been kind about it. At least the people who matter. Friends and family have been encouraging and excited for us, and we feel completely confident that this fourth baby (who we just found out is a BOY) is a huge blessing.
I’ve learned to take the usual “You’ll have your hands full!” comments with a grain of salt, along with the people who tell me I’m nuts. I’m happy as a clam about our family and I don’t take a lot personally.
However, I wanted to share an interaction I had recently that completely caught me off guard. I had taken my oldest to get his hair cut and brought the girls along. In an effort to make small talk, the hair stylist asked how many kids I had. I told her we had three and another on the way, and from there the conversation took a dramatic turn for the worse.
I’ll spare you all the details, but things were coming out of her mouth like, “Are you crazy?” “I’m having a baby in a few months, but one thing I’m glad about is that I’m NOT having twins!” “Well, it’ll be nice when at least one of them leaves the house!” “Why don’t you live near family? If I were you, I’d move closer so they could help you.” It went on and on.
I tried my best to remain positive through the conversation, but she wouldn’t let it go. She was on a mission to spread her pessimism. After I left the salon, I tried my to shake it, but I couldn’t. I must have played the conversation back in my head a hundred times, trying to think of ways I should have responded that would have made for a more positive outcome.
Obviously my feelings were hurt, but more than that I think the whole conversation reminded me how contagious negativity can be. I was sad for her that being negative was her default and that something or someone along the line caused her to be that way. I was sad for moms all over who experience this type of pessimism not only about the number of children they have but also about deeper things, like how they choose to raise their kids.
I guess the reason I’m sharing all this is because it’s so important that we think about the things that are coming out of our mouths. Our words are powerful. They have the ability to encourage or discourage. We may not agree with the way another mom does things, but that doesn’t mean we have to force our opinions on her.
As moms who live in the Twin Cities, wouldn’t it be awesome instead if we made it our mission to encourage each other when we’re out and about?
When we see the mom at the store with the toddler pitching a fit, let’s take the time to remind her that we’ve been there and that she’s doing a good job. When we’re at the park, let’s strike up a conversation with the mom who looks like she could use a little adult interaction. When we’re waiting to pick our kids up from activities, let’s look up from our smart phones for a minute and acknowledge that we’re all in this together. And yes, when you see that mom at Target with the big belly and lots of other littles, would you PLEASE smile at her for me?
Collectively, we have the ability to make the area we live a positive place. It starts with us!
I’d love your advice on this too. Have you experienced condescending conversations like the one I described? What are your positive comebacks?
P.S. You can bet I’ll be returning to that salon to try to spread some positive perspective to the not-so-positive stylist! Afterall, maybe she was just having a bad day.
19 comments
I love your blog and agree with the negativity in the world and that most people don’t understand our own lifestyle we live everyday. I credit you for having 3 beautiful children under 4 and congratulate you on your pregnancy! I have a one year old who was born 5.5 wks early and so she was/is still a little behind with physical growth and development. When I take her to some little play places inside a mall or to a park, people will ask me about her and I inform them where she’s at and then they negatively tell me that my “slow” or “retarded” child should already be walking by now or holding her bottle by herself, sleeping thru the night withoutout having to wake up even once, etc… My daughter is going to physical therapy to help her catch up, but she’s a darn happy baby! She giggles way more than she cries, she embraces everything thats new to her. And even her regular doctor has said she has time to catch up and she’ll be just fine. I don’t get why people have to criticize me because my baby hasn’t walked yet or held her own bottle. I get frustrated and always seem to defend my child’s growth really wish there would be one positive person to encourage and not discourage my child and her wish to take her time. So yes I agree that more positivity is needed and after reading this blog I’m gonna spread so much positivity and happiness because I want my daughter to see nothing can break me down and no matter what, I’m always proud of her!
Amber-I have been thinking of this lately myself. Negativity in general, not just at our choices as Moms. The fact that you want to go back in there and be positive and give her grace is the best reaction! You will leave feeling better. I think you are amazing at what you do! Nothing more, just amazing!
I think everyone has an opinion and when you are having a bad day, it’s best to be quiet rather than express it to the world!
I’ll be honest, Amber. I would probably be one of the moms making a “You must be crazy!” comment. But I hope you realize that those comments aren’t always meant to be negative. When I say that to other moms who have their hands way more full than me (I only have one 16-month-old daughter), I am coming from a place of complete awe and disbelief that you’re able to happily handle that many small children. It’s pretty impressive to me. My daughter was an awful sleeper, refused to eat from breast or bottle in public until she was 6 months old, and didn’t sleep through the night until she was older than 1. I also dealt with some pretty intense PPD until very recently. Because she was so tough, we might scrap the idea of a second child altogether. So when I see moms like you, I’m always a little impressed (and a tad jealous considering I’m a hot mess with just one kiddo on my hands!) However, the lady who cut your son’s hair was completely out of line. I might be shocked and impressed by your willingness to have four kids under the age of 3, but I hate to think there are folks who would actively throw their negativity about the situation on you. You’re right that we all need support some days, because we all have our overwhelming days!
Anyway, just wanted to throw in my 2 cents. I actually recognize you and your husband from Bethel. I graduated in Dec. ’08 🙂 Congrats on your pregnancy!
You are amazing! I have two littles and that’s enough for us…but how fun would it be to grow up in a family of four siblings? All I can think is how much you will be laughing with them for the next 20 years (and beyond of course). Here’s to many more smiles for you and all moms (and dads)!
Times like this I repeat this in my head to try to convince myself to stop dwelling on those kinds of rotten experiences – because I am really good when it comes to dwelling…
“My main regret in life is spending considerable thought on inconsiderate people”
Yes, she may have been having a bad day, or she may just be rude and not worth your time or I’d say, money in her shop.
I have twins and learned to smile at the “hands full” comment too – it’s one of those canned responses I think but yes, it gets old. Congratulations on your newest boy joining your family! The family picture is adorable and I hope you have an uneventful remainder of your pregnancy, best wishes – Sara
As another Mom with her 4th baby on the way, let me tell you that the comments are probably right on par even though mine will be 4 kids 5 and under. Unfortunately, I don’t take the judgmental version of “You’ve got your hands full!” as gracefully as you, but can usually tell when they just don’t know what to say and try to give them the benefit of the doubt.
I have to say though, while I’ve had the precedent set through similar conversations, they made me completely unprepared for a 50+ year old woman who approached me at Target. Having just walked through the doors and trying to get everyone situated in the cart, I could feel her eyes on me and mentally donned my thick skin as she walked up to us. The words out of her mouth made me instantly start to cry, “My, you have a beautiful family . . . ” I don’t think she expected much of a response from me, but I stopped her to thank her. Her words, her positivity, it was exactly what I needed to hear.
I am 18 weeks along with my second baby, and a few weeks ago I ran into an acquaintance who is a little further along than me, also with her second. I don’t remember how it came up, but I ended up sharing that I would be having a repeat c-section. Her response? “Oh, I am SO sorry.” Hm. Why? In no way did I come across as sorry about it, so why would she? I told her I was completely okay with it, and that my first c-section (although an emergency) was really not that bad. The way I see it, as long as the baby gets here safely, I don’t care if they have to yank it out through my ear. Was a c-section my first choice? No. But do I want to be pitied for it? Also no.
I’m so sorry to hear that you had to deal with such negativity. It’s so true how contagious it is. Just a few days ago I was in a similar situation with family, no less, about how inappropriate it was for me to bring my son to a family funeral. Maybe I was in the wrong but the way my family member handled her feelings made me feel so upset and made me second guess how involved we try to be with our son and everyday things like going to church and whatnot. With another on the way it sometimes brings you down or stresses you out when others clearly disapprove and let their thoughts be heard. Just know you’re doing the best you can and it works for you and your beautiful family. I always smile at other moms (or dads) because I never know their situation and I know each family is different. Bravo for not being a recluse and doing the best you can for your little family. 😉
I had another mom tell me I was making a huge mistake by sending my daughter to public school. Really? I calmly said that it was great that you could afford a private school, but I’m happy with my choice. Way to make me feel like a bad mother even though rationally I knew I wasn’t. I agree, let’s all try to spread the positivity and not make it a competition!
Maybe I am naive or oblivious, but I just don’t think we are being judged as much as we think we are. It seems that most people are SO SELF ABSORBED that they don’t even think about what others are doing, and if they do, they forget about it within a minute of not being in your presence. I also think sometimes people’s negative reactions are more out of jealousy or disbelief. Like Amanda (the commenter above) I am more in awe of you than anything and think most people are.I too wish I could handle 4 kids under 3 but it just isn’t meant to be for our family. I also try to give people the benefit of the doubt, as sometimes words and thoughts just don’t come off like we meant them to and can be interpreted SO differently than we intended. I love this quote by Yehuda Berg: Hurt people hurt people. That’s how pain gets passed on, generation after generation. “Break the chain today: meet anger with sympathy, contempt with compassion, cruelty with kindness. Greet grimaces with smiles. Forgive and forget about finding fault. Love is the weapon of the future”. I could not agree more.