OFFICE MEMO:
She’s tired, bearing scars, much looser than days before. It’s time. I know it, she knows it but for me it’s harder to come to terms. I’m talking about my cervix. Referring to it as a “she” because she deserves respect. And I’m throwing a party for her. I hope you can stop by.
Here are her stats:
- Started working for me in 2006
- Collected workers comp in 2007 and 2008 for injuries sustained while trying to keep babies from being delivered too early
- Took FMLA to be poked, prodded and stitched throughout her career to advance research in the field of reproductive endocrinology
- Earned Employee of the Month award in 2009 when she helped deliver my first full-term 8lbs, 7oz baby boy
- Awarded a dedicated parking spot in 2011 with the birth of my daughter weighing in at 7lbs, 6oz
- Earned stock options for life with the birth of my last child, a girl weighing 8lbs, 8oz who used my cervix as a window instead of a door
Her portrait will be permanently hung in the Cervical Hall of Fame Museum right next to a cafe serving bagels in her likeness.
After years of devoted dedication to my baby-making mission I want to thank her for sticking it out with me through her thickest and thinnest. She’ll always hold a special place in my heart and my body. Happy retirement cervix. It’s been swell.
Bagels will be served in the board room at 1 p.m. No presents necessary, your presence is enough. Unless you have wine.
Sincerely,
Tiffany Collins
Chief Executive Officer of my cervix
